Start with why you're writing one
A BDSM contract is not a legal document. It won't hold up in court, and it shouldn't try to. What it does is force a conversation. The kind most couples skip, kink or otherwise.
When you sit down to write one together, you have to talk about what you want, what you don't want, and what happens when things get messy. That's the whole point.
Here's what actually belongs in it.
Roles and titles
Name the dynamic. Who holds power? Who surrenders it? Some couples use titles like Dominant and submissive, Sir and pet, Daddy and little. Others keep it simpler. Use whatever language fits your relationship.
This section should also cover scope. Is this a bedroom-only dynamic, or does it extend into daily life? Is it 24/7, or does the power exchange have specific start and stop points? The answer changes everything that comes after it.
Hard limits and soft limits
Hard limits are non-negotiable. They're off the table entirely, and bringing them up during a scene is a boundary violation. Soft limits are things you're unsure about — activities you might be willing to explore under the right conditions, with the right preparation.
Both partners should list their limits separately before comparing. You'll probably share more than you expect. The handful you don't share are the ones that need real discussion.
Common areas to cover:
- Physical activities — impact play, bondage, sensation play, breath play
- Psychological play — humiliation, degradation, praise kink
- Body areas — where touching is welcome, where it's not
- Substances — alcohol, cannabis, or other substances during play
- Recording — photos, video, audio during scenes
Approved activities
Beyond limits, list what you actually want to do. A limit list tells you where the walls are. An activity list tells you what's inside the room.
Be specific. "Bondage" covers everything from silk scarves to suspension rigs. If you're into rope bondage but not leather cuffs, say that. If impact play interests you but only with hands and not implements, write it down.
Some couples organize activities into tiers: things they do regularly, things they want to try, and things that require special preparation or negotiation beforehand.
Safewords and signals
Every contract needs a section on safewords. The traffic light system (green/yellow/red) is popular because it's intuitive, but any agreed-upon word works. Pick something that wouldn't come up naturally during a scene.
Don't forget non-verbal signals. If one partner is gagged, restrained, or in a headspace where words are hard to find, you need a backup. Dropping a held object, tapping three times, or using a specific hand gesture are all common options.
Write down what happens when a safeword is used. Play stops — but then what? Who checks in first? How do you transition out of the scene? The protocol matters as much as the word.
Aftercare
Aftercare is the part most contracts skip, and it's the part that matters most after a scene ends.
Aftercare needs are personal. One person might want blankets, skin contact, being held. Another might need space and a glass of water. Some want to talk about it. Others want to watch something stupid on TV and decompress.
Your contract should include:
- Immediate aftercare — what both partners need in the first 30 minutes after a scene
- Delayed aftercare — check-in plans for the following 24-72 hours, when sub drop or dom drop can set in
- Aftercare supplies — water, snacks, blankets, first aid, whatever your scenes tend to require
Communication schedule
Good dynamics don't run on autopilot. Build in regular check-ins, whatever cadence works for you. These aren't scenes. They're just conversations about how things are going and whether anything needs to change.
Some couples use structured check-ins with specific prompts. Others keep it informal. The format doesn't matter. The consistency does.
Your contract should specify:
- How often you check in
- Whether check-ins happen in or out of dynamic roles
- How to raise concerns outside of scheduled check-ins
Privacy and confidentiality
BDSM carries social stigma. Most people keep their dynamics private, and a contract should address who knows what.
Cover the basics: Can you discuss your dynamic with friends? With a therapist? Can you mention your partner by name? What about online communities, are you comfortable with posts or references to your relationship in kink spaces?
If you share photos or recordings during scenes, who owns them? What happens to them if the relationship ends?
Termination
Every contract should explain how it ends. Not because the relationship will fail, but because knowing you can leave makes the choice to stay more meaningful.
Include a termination clause that covers:
- How either partner can end the contract (written notice, verbal conversation, any time for any reason)
- What happens to shared property, photos, or recordings
- A cool-down period, if desired
- Whether you want to revisit the contract at regular intervals instead of treating it as indefinite
Consent can be withdrawn at any time. A termination clause doesn't create that right, it already exists, but putting it on paper normalizes actually using it.
What most people forget
These are the sections people tend to skip, and then wish they hadn't:
Health disclosures. Relevant medications, physical limitations, mental health conditions that affect play. Not a full medical history — just what your partner needs to keep you safe.
Guest and group play rules. If your dynamic might ever involve a third person, set the boundaries now, not in the moment. Who initiates? What's the vetting process? What activities are and aren't on the table with others?
Punishment and reward structure. If your dynamic includes punishments or rewards, define them. What behaviors earn which responses? What's the difference between a playful punishment and a serious consequence? Without this written down, resentment builds fast.
Protocol outside of scenes. For 24/7 or extended dynamics, daily protocol matters — forms of address, daily tasks, rituals, texting etiquette. These small agreements carry more weight than any single scene.
Writing it together
A contract written by one person and handed to the other isn't a contract. It's a set of demands. Both partners should contribute, edit, and sign together.
Sit down with no distractions. Go section by section. Read each other's contributions out loud. Ask questions. Push back where something doesn't feel right. The negotiation is where the real work happens, not the signing.
If you want a structured starting point, the BDSMPact contract builder walks you through every section above and generates a document you can customize, print, and sign together.
Your dynamic. Your rules. Your contract.